Letter (Thanks, My Bias)

I closed my eyes, tried to avoid this painful headache and forgot the thoughts about him. For five seconds I had tried to close my eyes, calmed my mind.

A figure appeared and messed everything…

He was standing there with his angelic smile that I hated so much…

I saw his small eyes that almost unseen …

I saw his handsome smile, but saw those tears clearly…

Started to hate it, I opened my eyes widely and I took a deep sigh as I woke up hardly. I leaned my shoulders against the wall and closed my eyes again. Unconsciously I re-thought about it again..

Did I love him?

This feeling had been so cold to feel that kind of feel.

This tears glance had no tears again to cry about it.

And this lip didn’t have any energy left to smile because of it..

I took a sheet of paper and tried to write what I felt..

Dear the one that I used to love

I stopped writing, and then made a double strike above it. It seemed it still could be read. “The one that I used to love”. It’s ridiculous. I changed it..

Dear You..

The one that always made me smile even when I was crying

The one that always made me cry even when I was smiling

The one that could make my day, but also broke my day easily

The one that taught me about this feeling

But also, the one that gave me know how hurt it was

The one that made me cry a river for a whole night just because a tiny thing

The one that gave me this pain, but the one that healed too

The one that I used to love, how are you?

I stopped writing and thought how silly I was. I squeezed and threw that paper and changed into the new one..

Hai.. it has been a long time I didn’t see you. How r you? Are you doing alright? I’m not. Just remember the day we first met.. Hmm.. that feeling that I used to have for you doesn’t seem alright now days.. I try to remember what I’ve done with you at the past. I recall for every beautiful memory that I’ve spent with your presence. But, I just end with that plain face. I don’t know why, I can’t cry or laugh. Does it means, am I starting to forget you? What’s your opinion?

Forget about those things.. You have to know that, I have changed. I was not a girl that you’ve known before. I was not a girl who cried whole night because of you. I was not a girl who screamed loudly because saw you were walking with someone else. I was not a girl who abandoned herself just to think and worry about you. I was not that girl anymore..

Finally I realized..

 If these tears were too precious for the one that never cried because of me

If this pure heart was too priceless for the one that never looked me

If this mind was too awesome for the one that never thought about me even for a second

And the last is.. I realized, If this girl never deserved you..

Look at to myself. I was nothing. Not even 1% of you..

Before this, I loved you so damn much. Until I realized, if this feeling would be nothing someday..

I know if my heart is going to shatter someday.. I loved you till I forget about reality..

Before, I always hoped I could be around you, cared for you, cheered for you, cried with you, gave my shoulders when you were sad, gave my hug when you were happy because reached something.

Be the one that heard all your stories, didn’t care even sad or happy stories.

The one that spent a weekend with you, laughed with you, walked in the street with you..

The one that got your kiss, your embrace, your smile, your affection, your care, and your love..

After I realized it, I didn’t want them anymore..

Even when I was around you or not, I would never change a thing..

I couldn’t change that stubborn you, my presence was not that big deal..

I was the one that you could not be proud of..

I believed there might be someone out there, the luckiest girl of my version that deserved you..

That could do better than I do for you..

Just with that thought, I could stop my tears

Since I couldn’t do those things, I just could believe if your future girl should be that perfect..

The one that deserved you..

I was that selfish to push this fate to make you as my destiny. But, don’t worry again, I won’t do that anymore..

Since now..

The last is..

Don’t be stubborn person anymore. You have to realize if you are not a superman, and never can be. You are a human, you deserve to cry and to smile..

Stop for being a selfish person who thinks he was alright all the time without anyone’s help..

And try to open yourself..

If you have problems tell your problems with the one you believe..

All of them are the things that I just could do..

I could not do more than that, even I could not do a thing for you..

I’m sorry I’ve loved you..

But now, it’s time to say goodbye.. I hope your life will be a great one with the one that you love like your great smile made my everyday..

Thanks to you..

Because of you, I have changed to be tough, to be the one that I haven’t imagined before..

Once again, thanks.. My first love, Lee Jinki..

               

        I ended that letter without gave my name. I didn’t realize if my cheeks were wet because my tears. Damn, I cry again..  I took a deep sigh again, I stood up hardly then went out from home, went to give this little letter..